I filled in my member page just last night and thanks to the sobriety counter, realized I have 1507 days sober. The official date is July 7, 2004. I hazily remember that particular July 4th merging into the 7th, with no sleep in between.

This year, thankfully, I remember everything about July 7th and even the days proceeding it. I had a beer to celebrate, as my own path to recovery allows for alcohol. I never had a problem with alcohol, so I haven’t seen the need to eliminate it from my life.

My clean date from crystal meth went by relatively…

One of the parts of Step Four in Al-Anon is to assess self worth. I’ve had moments when I felt confident and carefree and then I’ve had moments in which I felt totally worthless. In the fourth step workbook, there is a statement that really hits home:

“We hid our feeling of self-worth deep within, and our perspective became distorted. Many of us even tried to conceal that we felt worthless on the inside to the point that we couldn’t show any real warmth and concern for anyone, including ourselves”.

I know that there are families where the self-esteem of the child…

So…I have a date tomorrow night. This is a big, big deal. I’ve been single now for several years, and I’m at the age where I just figured this was the way things were going to stay. But then I got a wild hair and joined Match.com, and…

Here’s the thing. I’ve already told him I’m in recovery. He sort of is, too. He doesn’t drink. But I’ve got a LOT more crap than that in my closet! How about having a mental illness? When do I spring that one on him? How about having a mental illness which is so…

I have never (yet) worked the 12 Steps, have never had a sponsor, and have only been to therapy five times in my life (that would be five one-hour sessions split between three different therapists).  I’m an S-Anon/COSA/CoDA dropout.   I’ve cobbled together a recovery path that works for me out of meditation, reading, writing, yoga and seeking out connections with others who do still go to group.  And it scares the hell out of me.

I’m not doing things in the way that’s been tried and tested by others through the years.  I’m off exploring some kind of codependency alternative medicine rather…

From today@dailyom.com

August 19, 2008

Rethinking Complaining

We all know someone who has elevated the process of complaining to a high art. Sometimes funny, sometimes exhausting, these people have the ability to find a problem just about anywhere. In its more evolved form, complaining is simply the ability to see what’s not working, in one’s own life or in the external world, and it can be quite useful if followed to its natural conclusion—finding a solution and applying it. However, many of us don’t get that far, and we find that complaining has become an end in itself. In small doses, this is…

For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a recovering alcoholic and addict. Because this is the time of the year when I make a point of looking back at how things were, I offer the following story.

Twenty-odd years ago, when my life was remarkably different from the way it is today, I was handed an assignment by my boss, the Chief of Police. The job was to wade through a bunch of sworn affidavits that had been provided by the local hospital as fruits of a civil case, interview some folks, and find out if there…

I just got home from my Tuesday night meditation class. The class consists of a 40 minute semi-guided meditation in the vipanassa tradition of mindful awareness, followed by a dharma talk on some very meaningful topic, such as loving kindness, nonjudgment, or the topic tonight, attachment to views. After years of Tuesday nights spent in this way, I am very slowly acquiring the skill of being mindfully aware of just “what is.” I see longer glimpses of the peace that comes when I concentrate on my breath and place my awareness in the present moment. Tonight, however, that practice was…

It happened again.

Every few months, I’m unable to contain the mass of anger inside me and I blow up at my partner. Unsuprisingly, this tends to happen about a week before I get my period. For a long time, I wrote it off as PMS, but I’ve come to realize that I actually am that angry all the time. It’s just that when my hormones are raging, I can’t stuff it away and hide it as well as I usually can.

This blow up involved me angrily and loudly verbalizing ever nasty, bitter, resentful thought I’ve had over the past few months…

I’ve long envied addicts their rehabs, their stints of unemployment, and their ability to allow themselves to be taken care of. Rehab sounds fabulous to me…especially the nicer ones, like the Lindsay Lohan rehabs where you do yoga and get facials and ride on ponies and go to meetings. I’d like to spend some time in a rehab like that…but even a kind of crappy, institutional one sounds a little nice. Spending time focusing on myself, devoting my days to nothing but working on my issues…that would be luxurious for me. And in my meetings, all the codependents end up…

Every year SAMHSA (The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) promotes recovery in a BIG way during the month of September. This year is no exception. The theme of The National Alcohol and Drug Prevention Recovery Month for 2008 is Join the Voices for Recovery - Real People, Real Recovery.

One of the services provided is a monthly webcast, focusing on an important issue in the recovery community. I was asked to be part of the August webcast entitled Accessing Prevention, Treatment, and Recovery Online where I, along with three other professionals, discussed the changes that have occurred in the…

Sittin’ here watchin’ th’ rain. And th’ wind. And th’ radar — and thinking about how lucky I am to be sober, and able to avoid the drama and bullshit with which I would have surrounded an occasion like Tropical Storm Fay, back in the day.

Of course, it would have been a perfect opportunity to drink. Even in my cop days, when I at least managed not to drink on the job (I had other things to tide me over), I would have complained about having to be there (Hey, I’m a f****g executive!), and as soon as I finally…

by William C. Moyers

People struggle to explain to me their problems related to alcohol or other drugs. The result: Oftentimes, they expound in minute detail about their circumstances before finally punctuating their e-mails or letters with the questions they want answered.

But sometimes, it’s the other way around, and they drive right to the point, leaving me to struggle with how to keep it simple with succinct responses.

Dear Mr. Moyers: As a 30-year-old man with 10 years of sobriety now, I find myself in a perplexing relationship with a woman who is a wine connoisseur (and beautiful and funny and intriguing,…

Everyone has their own opinion and their own path in matters like this and I hope not to make this a launch pad for the kind of unproductive discussion that this topic often precipitates. My path and my recovery has included medical care and psychotropic and other medication.

The one that has been most important is currently in phase II clinical trials for treatment of methamphetamine dependence. It has long been used off label for treatment of ADHD. It’s tough to be ADHD and a speed freak. There hasn’t been anything available that really works that isn’t a stimulant before. This…

I’m running. I’m running. I love running. I’m free. I’m serene. I’m focused.

There’s a half-eaten Snickers in my path. It’s been bitten, chewed and thrown away. It’s crawling with bugs. The wrapper is torn and faded. It’s clearly very old.
I notice it, step over it, and continue on. I don’t give it a second thought.

I’m running. I’m running. I love running. I’m free. I’m serene. I’m focused.

There’s half a bottle of liquor in my path. It’s been opened, consumed and thrown away. It’s crawling with bugs. The label is torn and faded. It’s clearly very old.
I notice it.
I think about…

To LET GO does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To LET GO is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To LET GO is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To LET GO is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To LET GO is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To LET GO is not to care for, but to care about.
To LET GO is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To LET GO is not to judge, but to…

Whatever 12 step program (or programs) we come from, we are a fellowship; “an elite group of experienced people who work together as peers“*, sharing our experience, strength, and hope with each other in the pursuit of a solution to our common problem and to help others to recover. The price for admission to our little society is higher than for any I know of. The price we pay to walk into the rooms truly sets apart from the rest of the world.

My sponsor/mentor/adviser/friend, a man who has been sober for 38 years, told me that there have been times…

Today is 21 days without methadone for my husband. He’s had lots of ups and downs, but it has been a gradual upward slope. Today is a bad day, but the previous days have been better for him, except for his scary bout of sleepwalking a few nights ago.

He’s doing well, mostly, especially considering that he’s him. He doesn’t like to be uncomfortable, and he’s real whiny…but he’s done big things like go to a meeting and go to work for a few hours even though he’s not feeling great. That’s a big deal for him, as normally he refuses to…

This issue is especially important to people in recovery. Many doctors make it clear by their statements and attitudes that they know little or nothing about addiction.

I was once sent by my dentist (25 years sober) to an oral surgeon for some tricky extractions. The DMD and I had a long conversation about my recovery, addiction, and the fact that I was unwilling to take mood-altering medications. He agreed that was a good idea, and assured me that he was up on such things. He then went on into my treatment planning, and his first two ideas were Valium to…

I apologize. A lot. For plenty of things I didn’t do or cause. But because we humans are so dang complicated and inconsistent, there are other times when I’ll obstinately refuse to apologize for hurts I have actually inflicted. I won’t want to let go and apologize. I’ll want to hold on to my rightness, to my own feelings of anger and hurt, even though that hurts me too. In whatever warped and misguided way, I’ll feel self-righteously justified in the retribution I’ve meted out, like a honeybee might resent the person it stings much as that person resents being…

This is a message from a website, www.today@dailyom.com that I receive every day. I’d like to share this with you.

Till Next Time -

Your Humble Road Warrior

Looking At What We Don’t Want To See

It is one of life’s great paradoxes that the things we don’t want to look at in ourselves are the very things we need to look at in order to know ourselves better and to become more fully who we are. The feelings that make us want to run away are buried treasure full of energy and inspiration if we are willing to look. These feelings come in many…

When I first came to Al-Anon, I was in deep despair. I didn’t want to fix anyone but myself because I was past the point of trying to fix the alcoholic. I didn’t believe that the relationship could be saved. In fact, I didn’t believe in much when I came in. I definitely was at an emotional bottom and in need of guidance.

At first, I didn’t feel much like I belonged. Everyone was further along than I. It was as if there was a different language. But it just felt like I had found a place where I could finally…

Awareness not ammunition…Is that not the coolest quote you have ever heard? It was uttered this morning by a woman celebrating one year of sobriety. Everyone in the room jolted upright when she spit it out. She and her sponsor had made it up, she said. Rather than dwelling on the past, she explained, this quote reminds her to look back on it briefly and introspectively. Powerful. I get it.

I get it, but I haven’t always done it. Perhaps that’s why the thought resonated so strongly with me. If I stay too long in my rear view mirror, this is…

If you’ve been on the site any time in the last 10 days, you’ve seen the same face on the front page video. The woman’s story has been divided into 6 parts, recounting, some times in graphic detail, episodes from her 25 year long addiction to several substances and behaviors. The woman appears very neatly dressed, has obviously had a good education and speaks very succinctly about what addiction has done to her, to her family, to her friends and to her life in general.

When one thinks of the term “addict” her face is not the one that would be…

I tend to apologize for things. A lot. If things are going less than perfectly, if I’m less than perfect, it’s hard for me to go 15 seconds without “I’m so sorry” slipping out. If you’ve met me in real life, you’ve almost certainly heard me apologize for something, warranted or not. And if I didn’t, I’m sorry.

Way back in my pre-marriage, pre-kid days, an ex-boyfriend spilled a drink and as it splashed on the table and down to the floor, my first impulse, before even grabbing something to wipe it up, was to apologize. “I’m sorry,” I gasped.

“Stop doing…

In my life, I’ve been quite an actor. I’ve been like the chameleon who changes color to suit the background situation. I don’t remember when putting on masks became a way of life, but most probably I developed my acting ability when I was very young. I would smile and pretend that everything was okay. Even if I felt like crawling in a hole someplace, I would always say that I was fine.

I would have different acting roles depending on the group that I was with. If I was with the party crowd, then I would be happy go lucky.…

The first tool they “lay at our feet” in DA is tracking; carefully recording all income and expenditures. It is pretty easy to track total abstainance, but in a program for something you absolutely have to use, tracking becomes very important.

I had some money in my pocket since I got paid for a little side gig I do, so I set out to go buy the little spiral notebook they suggested I get so I could write down everything I spend and everything I take in. Of course I only became willing to go shopping for the notebook after having…

written by Beverly Conyers

reviewed by Ginger B.

Beverly Conyers has done an excellent job of sharing her personal experience, strength and hope in her book, “Addict in the Family.” She has been there as the mother of an addict, and her understanding of the disease of addiction and its repercussions within family and friends is right on the money without being condescending, derogatory or patronizing. She tells it like it is; “Addicts persist in their self-destructive, addictive behavior until something within themselves - something quite apart from anyone else’s efforts - changes so radically that the desire for the high is dulled…

I have been sober now for over ten years and my life is a wonderful gift that I cherish dearly. I am still in so many ways, new to this world—this sober world that is. Intimate relationships are the one area where I am still on an extreme learning curve. No matter how much therapy I’ve done, how much I mediate, how many self-help books I read etc. I can’t seem to get this whole relationship thing down. I know in recovery we strive for spiritual progress not spiritual perfection. I do feel as though I have made significant strides…